At the Table/ Tears.

November 18, 2018- At the Table/ Tears.

I thought it would be befitting to share a quote from Dr. Giovanni after such an enlightening day yesterday. I shared on my FB personal page that I was graced with the opportunity to meet renowned poet Dr. Nikki Giovanni. Literally, I'm still processing what happened--her words, her maturity and outlook...SHE is so compelling. I didn’t even want to leave the room afterwards and as she was speaking (through multiple, what felt like, tangential moments, but ultimately were moments of sheer brilliance), I caught myself holding back tears…

Not because of sadness or pain, but because of her truth. Her truth and presence was so genuine and real. It was radiating off of her as she spoke. The moments after her speech were the true nuggets of love. Not only did I get to embrace her, when she inquired who me and my colleagues were it was discovered that we all are on faculty at Virginia Tech. We exclaimed "we are on faculty in the Theatre department" to which Dr. Giovanni proudly proclaimed "Oh, well must do some work together!" SHOCKED. From there, one of my esteemed, more poised colleagues engaged in a conversation that brought to light the intersectionality between the worlds of poetry and performance. She mentioned about the ideas of using the methods of Devised Theatre to create a piece featuring the works of Dr. Giovanni. I felt so proud to just be in the room at the moment, you know? And again tears welled up and I held them back...

Nonetheless, as the day continued, I was surrounded by brilliance in many forms: scholars, colleagues, youth. Several times, I found myself just being still: Listening to the variances in conversations and feeling the shifts of energy around the room. And once again, I fought back tears. Why? Because I was THERE sitting amongst all this greatness; I was a part of it. I wasn't there as an "observer" or visitor, I was a part of this stunning dynamic of individuals. Holding conversations about the scopes of our research, reaching out to one another...sometimes holding each other up from laughter. I didn't have to apologize for being too loud or "extra" in my expression for working with the community. I didn't have to apologize for saying a word incorrectly or felt the need to correct anybody. I didn't have to DO anything but BE. Even now, as I'm typing this blog, I'm holding back tears...and I'm in the privacy of my own home. 

Maybe I don't want the tears to fall because I don't want to lose this feeling of acceptance: personal acceptance of my work. This was one of my first "felt" moments of 'SUCCESS' as an adult. It wasn't about the confirmation of my role or place, but the affirmation of knowing I belonged at that table. It's hard to explain...it's like finally knowing where I fit in. Not personal "fit in" but scholarly, academically. My work as an artist is just as valuable as the other topics of research swirling around in conversation.  I'm strong, smart, and most importantly---in a place in my life that I can be present to receive the gifts of others. And that, my friends, is a transition in states of mind. A state of mind, I've been in for three years that has finally began to crumble. I'm meant to be at the table.

---------

Brittney

Exhale.

October 9, 2018- Exhale.

Can I talk to y'all for a sec??

So I don't "vague blog" very often, if at all, but as I'm working on revitalizing my blog, I am also re-learning about the benefits of being transparent again. 

Simply put: I'm a very deliberate person. I want something, I go for it, and I aim to keep it. There is no place in my life for inconsistency, not anymore. That being said if my "gut" constantly is telling me one thing---and I find myself logically trying to make sense of things...things I know I can feel but can't explain, it's time for me to take a step back and properly listen to myself as whole. 

In doing so, I have cut myself off from a lot of things: drinking, certain eating/lifestyle habits, and most importantly--people. There is a balance to it all, and even at 30 I'm still learning how to do it, folks. And there is nothing wrong with that: partly that is why my circle of support is so small, I'm still proudly single, and I'm at the best point in my career---I listened. And while some may think this is questionable: my gut, when it comes to my choices and life, is rarely wrong. What I choose to do some may not agree with but hey---it's my life. No disrespect, but like I've said before "it's okay to selfish when it comes to your own destiny." I thank God for that discernment.

As most know, I'm very private about my personal life and only post about major moves and accomplishments just to stay present, but this need for transparency is bigger than me or the "perception" of me. It's finally giving this small body a place to speak loudly. Better late than never--so here's to keeping myself first and the restart of my personal blog.

#finallyexhaled #kairos #breathing #existing #keepingmyselffirst

The Lonely Actress: 3rd Time's a Charm

February 14, 2017- The Lonely Actress: 3rd Times a Charm

Third time’s a charm. That's the saying, right? Well, I am back at it again! Another beautiful year: spiritually, mentally, and wonderfully single. It has been three years since my first blog The Lonely Actress was published. This past year has been one of the most eye-opening chapters of my life thus far. Not only did I publish a book, launch a new outreach program, landed some leading roles including premiering my one-woman show… blah, blah. I honestly could go on and on, but when you sit back and ask yourself “who do I get to share all of this with”, all of the goodness seems to dissipate away. Sounds pretty disheartening, I know. Believe me, that is not the point of this blog. I know that I am blessed and I am not complaining but we all know how depressing things can get. And yes I used the dreaded buzz word “depressing”. Sometimes it seems taboo to admit those shameful qualities about ourselves; however, it is the recognition of those feelings that helps us grow past them and cope.  I am just giving you a very candid look at a woman who is artistically expressive, spiritually sound, a little neurotic, extremely goal oriented, and just overall SINGLE. 

Questions like “why is someone like you still single” or “how is it that no one has picked you up yet” or statements like “I can’t believe you are still single”, really gets one thinking. It was sometimes consuming my everyday thought ON TOP of everything else going on in my professional life. You start to contemplate: damn, what is WRONG with me? A few years back, it used to be so easy for me to date and get a relationship going. I would date a guy, a year, two, or even three years strong, and it was natural to me. NOW, I can’t seem to last pass the damn one month mark. And you know what: AWESOME! I know it sounds horrible but literally, I am getting to know myself so much better than I did years ago. I stayed with those men out of love but also convenience. Now, I am satisfied with all that I can offer myself, and “now” is the lack of a better word.  I have always noticed that I have a special affinity for “being to myself”.  Of course, there are people who can’t handle the “C” word: commitment. Meh, that has never been an issue for me.

Now, this post is a little underserved for me because for a small chunk of last year I was dating. Monogamously dating someone that unfortunately didn't work out. Of course, I could elaborate more on it but primarily, as in everything that we experience, there's a lesson to be learned. I believe my lesson for the past year has been ‘only entertain things/people that add purpose to your journey not weight’. Now I'm not saying that everything should be easy but what I'm saying is as we get older, we need to be more conscientious of what things hold us down rather than push us up. Realize when a door is closed, sometimes it is meant to be closed: no matter how much your will tells you otherwise. Just because the individual is a “nice” person doesn’t mean they are the “right” person for you. Shall I continue?  I know, I know you have heard this all already. I'm sure that you've told yourself that many times before. So it if that’s the case: why do you we all keep going through all of these break-ups and heartbreaks? Take this away: learn to be solid with yourself and only allow people in that encourages your growth.

A huge trait of mine is “being a cheerleader”.  No, I am not your yes-man but I am definitely a motivator: I believe in the good vs. the bad; optimism vs. “realistic pessimism". Have I always been this way? Absolutely not!! However, over the years, as I have solidified myself spiritually on my own expedition, I have realized that your mindset has so much to do with your success. This is not just about dreaming but having the vigor to go after your dreams. Of course, as I'm approaching the age of 30, I feel like my dreams are shifting more towards this societal "maternal vision". Is it a bad thing? NO! I have noticed that my nurturing nature is another facet of my morals. I found myself trying to balance the two on a consistent basis. Nonetheless, I started getting on dating sites: testing the waters and going out more. You know what? You start meeting very interesting people. People that spark your curiosity, share the same beliefs and values as you…and people who are just fine as I don't know what! OK! So what happens after all those multiple good conversations? You start pursuing each other more steadily and next thing you know that ‘consistency’ buds into “somewhat of” a relationship. OF COURSE, you cannot say that aloud because the general public is so iffy when it comes to labels. Jump to a few months in and you begin to feel that your S.O. (significant other) appears to be on same paths as you. Sure, you noticed there are some things that are a little off: personality traits, habits, etc. but you embrace them. You have to be spiritual on one accord for any relationship/friendship to work. One thing that makes me an artist is my drive for challenges and curiosity to explore the unknown. So, I typically do not shy away from a challenge. However, there comes a time when you need to assess is this a challenge or a crumble?

A good rule of thumb is knowing when to be alone and still. During that time, you have to ask yourself: are you ready to receive what you're yearning for? That is applicable when it comes to your dreams or anything. Was I ready to receive a significant other? Is where I am in my life right now conducive to a growing relationship? My schedule? My goals?  While I am all for casual dating, God knows the desires of my heart. I don't do “friends with benefits”. So now is about listening. I have to really listen, be still, and understand if this desire of the flesh relevant to fulfill? Is it just something I want because I see everyone else moving forward and getting married? I'm still trying to figure that out for myself and I believe with the right person, it will be no question. Truth is: in those times when I am single, I am very content. Believe me, there are moments when I want companionship, but overall there is an easiness to being alone. We all have that ex that we wonder if they are still single and if they are, then why haven’t you two gotten back together? Before you take matters into your own hands simply ask yourself: is this relevant to your journey right now?

Look, it is very normal to start questioning your self-worth and purpose. Honestly, if you start to feel as though you are getting overwhelmed by life and "societal norms", perhaps you should consider talking to someone: a counselor or friend. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. That is why I stress the importance of checking in and questioning yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Deep down, we all want to be the very best version of ourselves; even if it is only for our own enjoyment. In good conscience, that is all that matters. Enjoy the easiness of focusing on yourself.

Love,

Brittney

So Umm.... 2016 Mid-Year Catch-Up

June 4, 2016- 2016 Mid-Year Catch-Up

You all know by now that when I take a long hiatus from writing my personal blog that something is being STIRRED UP! And y’all, the recipe for my life right now is delicious! (Laughs)

Not only did I complete my first year of grad school, I am now…wait for it…a published author! Literally, I wrote a book! That is how I am telling people. Over the past two years, I have been blogging about finding yourself artistically and balancing your worlds between the traditional workplace and artistic creativity. Finally those thoughts have been transferred into book form and available to all artists and individuals around the world. That is such a daunting yet refreshing thought. Am I expecting to be a New York bestseller!? Yes, one day but for now… I will settle in the fact that I started a project and completed it.

The book is titled Keep Calm and Create On: Words of Encouragement from One Artist to the Next. Back in November 2015, I wrote a blog here about shifting my artistic paradigm from personal to public. Keep Calm and Create On is designed to feed an individual’s artistic soul with inspiration for pushing forward. The book reads very much like my blog: personal, raw, and honest.

So after a long two-year process, including conceptualizing, over 15 drafts, intense copy editors, 22 amazing reviewers, designers, and publishing, it is finally here! Not only does this book exemplify my spirit as an artist, it speaks on my road of perseverance and strength.

I wrote Keep Calm and Create On: Words of Encouragement from One Artist to the Next because of my experiences being an artist in a field so saturated with looks and stereotypes over talent and skill. This book is about embracing your creative spirit and balancing your artistic duality.

While the book is complete, I am still early on in my journey. Nonetheless, please take the time to like and support the book!

 Available at

Amazon.com

Barnes and Nobles

Smashwords (eBook).

Miss you all so much, Brittney

                                                           

The Lonely Actress: Redux

February 10, 2016- The Lonely Actress: Redux

Another year, another cycle around the sun... It's amazing how after a year so much can change and be revealed to you, you know? Coming up on yet another Valentine's Day, I am still single. And like I said before in my original blog The Lonely Actress, this time of year is particularly more difficult than others because of all of the commercialization of "love". I mean sure I would love some of that for myself—let's be real here—but when you are on the outside of the circle, things look a lot different. I am still blessed with my health, my family and friends and yet I still get the sense that something is "missing". 

This year has been a love affair for my soul: I cheated on my hometown by moving to a new state and city... I am falling in love, y'all. There is nothing like being in love with something that challenges you and makes you an even better YOU. It is simply amazing... And if I have to say that was the best "relationship" choice I have made all year, then YES! A change of location is one of the best ways to show yourself that you like to keep things fresh and fun!

Automatically you think just because there's a change of scenery, there is a change in the type of men. Right? Moving to a new city meant, in the dating spectrum, new prospects and I have dated men. Not frequently but I have and I noticed something.... I have a habit of settling. Have you ever been yearning for something so badly that you sort of settle for what you are given rather than waiting for what you asked or prayed for? That is my issue. I would meet these amazing men and these men were God fearing, smart, sensitive, and humorous individuals that made me feel great and wanted. But in each and everyone of them something was missing... And it was usually drive. Each of them were very content with their lives. And although they complained about wanting change, they did nothing to go after it. So here comes Brittney: Miss "Let me be the one who empowers you" and I tried to bring focus and peace to their lives. I didn't realize it at the time but I was enabling them almost to a fault. And in return... I was drained. 

Why am I telling you all of this? Because this was my cycle. I clung to men that didn't necessarily add up to "my standards" and my standards are nothing outrageous believe me... But rather than accepting them for who they are, I started envisioning a future with who they would "potentially" be. Sounds harmless but that is not a relationship. That is not love or support. In a way it is but a person should want to improve themselves and I should be there for THEIR journey. I shouldn't be trying to force them into their journey. When I recognized the cycle, it was always a little too late. By the time I acknowledged what was happening, I was about 6 to 8 weeks into every guy I was dating and I was unhappy. And from there led to this sad almost melodramatic break up or whatnot.

I have to admit something: I was not a very good girlfriend in the past. I was verbally and at times physically abusive. And I am not proud of it. Believe me, I am not. And it has resulted in me questioning my own happiness. This is very very candid and open of me. I spoke about it in a couple of blogs back about being a happy artist and I talked about how I dealt with my anger. Anger management was one of the best things I've ever done myself. Not only was it a true 180 moment for my life, I learned more about my reaction to life and how to healthily handle adversity, both spiritually and mentally. And Lord knows that I have been, for over the past 2 to 3 years, trying to find the strength to cope with what I did in my past. Each day is a challenge and nothing more do I wish for personal forgiveness and the forgiveness of others. I have to be able to forgive Brittney for her past choices…

And that is how I ended up here: Nothing was "missing"...I was just in search of finding an inner peace. I fell into my journey and I was provided with the opportunity to create and do what I love. The love of my life right now should be my craft and the light shined upon that is my faith. And I trust that my own path will be revealed and illuminated before my eyes when it comes to love. And the same for you all as well... Our past is our guide, our future is still being crafted. 

Love,

Brittney

Reflection: 2015

January 1, 2016- Reflection: 2015

We made it. Although it felt like we were going to buck down and crumble, at times, we are now here standing at the cusp of something amazing: a new adventure and journey. But our journeys are not start now at the end of a year, it has been in the works thru the entirety of 2015. This is one of the only times during the year that I don't mind looking at social media and see people updating their twitters or FB statuses. Why? Mainly because it's full of so much positivity. I love seeing people declare goals that they want for themselves. Having the integrity to set and want those goals.

2015 was, by far, the most prolific year of my life so far and I am so very proud of the progress and experiences that I've gone through. I have a lot to reflect on, so much to reflect on and sadly enough the year is ending a little melancholy for me. I realize there are things that won't be with me on my journey as I continue into the next year. And to be honest, it hurts. But it allows for me to move forward. Some I chose to leave behind and some that just dissipated and faded like the seasons. I declared that 2015 would be a year of joy, success, and independence and all of which I experienced. And I'm very grateful that I spoke those things into existence.

Cornerstones for 2016:  Success, Collaboration, Passion, and Focus.

Success
I believe that a lot of success will still continue to fall and appear throughout 2016. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way to reach your highest potential and your highest potential has no ceiling. Remember that. Success for me means I want to accomplish many of my personal goals I set forth through my own strengths and faith. Publishing my book, establishing foundational networking with potential post-graduate companies and opportunities, etc.

Collaboration
Collaboration for me is sharing my goals and passion for outreach and the Arts with others and manifesting in new types of art and theater. I believe a huge part of life as an artist is getting to know and create for and within your community. And what better way to do that than to collaborate with other artists and people. Perhaps it could be creating a supplemental program cultural enrichment in the school community or an Arts mentorship advocacy platform…you never know.

Passion
Passion for 2016 comes more from a personal standpoint. No longer am I going to push my passions for the arts aside to accommodate my passion for a relationship or love. And that goes for relationships between friends or potential mates. I will continue to go about my art with as much vigor and passion that is within my soul and spirit. And I hope to meet people that share and can accept that passion about me

Focus 
This point is very self-explanatory but it mainly means not losing sight of the bigger prize. Getting and going to grad school sets into place why the picture is bigger than my own personal successes. My desires are beyond my own. I want to influence people at large and to do that I have to stay focused. I can't become succumb to the little slumps that may come along. It is easy to only see the lows when your sight is set to the ground. Look up, seek higher up, seek your highest potential. 

Happy 2016 New Years! 

The journey is only continuing...

Shift.

December 11, 2015- Shift.

A shift is taking place…if I may I want to use my new favorite word “paradigm”. There has been a shift in my 'Brittney' paradigm. The transition to GA has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my adult life. Not only am I able to relish in my independence and individual accomplishments, each day I am surrounded by other young, ambitious, and innovative artists who keep me inspired. Today I am announcing a shift from writing for my own personal enjoyment to the launch of my newest platform and movement: Keep Calm and Create On.  

keepcalmcreateon.wordpress.com

Over the years, my blogs have began to serve the purpose of inspiring and motivating artists of all kinds. The launch of Keep Calm and Create On is designed to provide writings and memes in support of building and strengthening the mindset of future artists on their journeys of learning and developing their craft and skill set.

The B.Blog will still serve as my personal blogger for my own artistic journey and process. This is a very proud and important moment for me, everybody. This idea has been on my heart for over 2 years now and this is only the beginning. I am planning to officially release and launch a book in June 2016, so be on the lookout for that! From there, I will be creating a non-profit centered around raising awareness and providing resources for young and growing artists to explore the highest peaks of their artistic aspirations. Thank you all for your continued support and love. And here’s to all of us to staying calm and creating on!

Check Out It Out! http://keepcalmcreateon.wordpress.com

Brittney