February 10, 2016- The Lonely Actress: Redux
Another year, another cycle around the sun... It's amazing how after a year so much can change and be revealed to you, you know? Coming up on yet another Valentine's Day, I am still single. And like I said before in my original blog The Lonely Actress, this time of year is particularly more difficult than others because of all of the commercialization of "love". I mean sure I would love some of that for myself—let's be real here—but when you are on the outside of the circle, things look a lot different. I am still blessed with my health, my family and friends and yet I still get the sense that something is "missing".
This year has been a love affair for my soul: I cheated on my hometown by moving to a new state and city... I am falling in love, y'all. There is nothing like being in love with something that challenges you and makes you an even better YOU. It is simply amazing... And if I have to say that was the best "relationship" choice I have made all year, then YES! A change of location is one of the best ways to show yourself that you like to keep things fresh and fun!
Automatically you think just because there's a change of scenery, there is a change in the type of men. Right? Moving to a new city meant, in the dating spectrum, new prospects and I have dated men. Not frequently but I have and I noticed something.... I have a habit of settling. Have you ever been yearning for something so badly that you sort of settle for what you are given rather than waiting for what you asked or prayed for? That is my issue. I would meet these amazing men and these men were God fearing, smart, sensitive, and humorous individuals that made me feel great and wanted. But in each and everyone of them something was missing... And it was usually drive. Each of them were very content with their lives. And although they complained about wanting change, they did nothing to go after it. So here comes Brittney: Miss "Let me be the one who empowers you" and I tried to bring focus and peace to their lives. I didn't realize it at the time but I was enabling them almost to a fault. And in return... I was drained.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because this was my cycle. I clung to men that didn't necessarily add up to "my standards" and my standards are nothing outrageous believe me... But rather than accepting them for who they are, I started envisioning a future with who they would "potentially" be. Sounds harmless but that is not a relationship. That is not love or support. In a way it is but a person should want to improve themselves and I should be there for THEIR journey. I shouldn't be trying to force them into their journey. When I recognized the cycle, it was always a little too late. By the time I acknowledged what was happening, I was about 6 to 8 weeks into every guy I was dating and I was unhappy. And from there led to this sad almost melodramatic break up or whatnot.
I have to admit something: I was not a very good girlfriend in the past. I was verbally and at times physically abusive. And I am not proud of it. Believe me, I am not. And it has resulted in me questioning my own happiness. This is very very candid and open of me. I spoke about it in a couple of blogs back about being a happy artist and I talked about how I dealt with my anger. Anger management was one of the best things I've ever done myself. Not only was it a true 180 moment for my life, I learned more about my reaction to life and how to healthily handle adversity, both spiritually and mentally. And Lord knows that I have been, for over the past 2 to 3 years, trying to find the strength to cope with what I did in my past. Each day is a challenge and nothing more do I wish for personal forgiveness and the forgiveness of others. I have to be able to forgive Brittney for her past choices…
And that is how I ended up here: Nothing was "missing"...I was just in search of finding an inner peace. I fell into my journey and I was provided with the opportunity to create and do what I love. The love of my life right now should be my craft and the light shined upon that is my faith. And I trust that my own path will be revealed and illuminated before my eyes when it comes to love. And the same for you all as well... Our past is our guide, our future is still being crafted.