At the Table/ Tears.

November 18, 2018- At the Table/ Tears.

I thought it would be befitting to share a quote from Dr. Giovanni after such an enlightening day yesterday. I shared on my FB personal page that I was graced with the opportunity to meet renowned poet Dr. Nikki Giovanni. Literally, I'm still processing what happened--her words, her maturity and outlook...SHE is so compelling. I didn’t even want to leave the room afterwards and as she was speaking (through multiple, what felt like, tangential moments, but ultimately were moments of sheer brilliance), I caught myself holding back tears…

Not because of sadness or pain, but because of her truth. Her truth and presence was so genuine and real. It was radiating off of her as she spoke. The moments after her speech were the true nuggets of love. Not only did I get to embrace her, when she inquired who me and my colleagues were it was discovered that we all are on faculty at Virginia Tech. We exclaimed "we are on faculty in the Theatre department" to which Dr. Giovanni proudly proclaimed "Oh, well must do some work together!" SHOCKED. From there, one of my esteemed, more poised colleagues engaged in a conversation that brought to light the intersectionality between the worlds of poetry and performance. She mentioned about the ideas of using the methods of Devised Theatre to create a piece featuring the works of Dr. Giovanni. I felt so proud to just be in the room at the moment, you know? And again tears welled up and I held them back...

Nonetheless, as the day continued, I was surrounded by brilliance in many forms: scholars, colleagues, youth. Several times, I found myself just being still: Listening to the variances in conversations and feeling the shifts of energy around the room. And once again, I fought back tears. Why? Because I was THERE sitting amongst all this greatness; I was a part of it. I wasn't there as an "observer" or visitor, I was a part of this stunning dynamic of individuals. Holding conversations about the scopes of our research, reaching out to one another...sometimes holding each other up from laughter. I didn't have to apologize for being too loud or "extra" in my expression for working with the community. I didn't have to apologize for saying a word incorrectly or felt the need to correct anybody. I didn't have to DO anything but BE. Even now, as I'm typing this blog, I'm holding back tears...and I'm in the privacy of my own home. 

Maybe I don't want the tears to fall because I don't want to lose this feeling of acceptance: personal acceptance of my work. This was one of my first "felt" moments of 'SUCCESS' as an adult. It wasn't about the confirmation of my role or place, but the affirmation of knowing I belonged at that table. It's hard to explain...it's like finally knowing where I fit in. Not personal "fit in" but scholarly, academically. My work as an artist is just as valuable as the other topics of research swirling around in conversation.  I'm strong, smart, and most importantly---in a place in my life that I can be present to receive the gifts of others. And that, my friends, is a transition in states of mind. A state of mind, I've been in for three years that has finally began to crumble. I'm meant to be at the table.

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Brittney

Exhale.

October 9, 2018- Exhale.

Can I talk to y'all for a sec??

So I don't "vague blog" very often, if at all, but as I'm working on revitalizing my blog, I am also re-learning about the benefits of being transparent again. 

Simply put: I'm a very deliberate person. I want something, I go for it, and I aim to keep it. There is no place in my life for inconsistency, not anymore. That being said if my "gut" constantly is telling me one thing---and I find myself logically trying to make sense of things...things I know I can feel but can't explain, it's time for me to take a step back and properly listen to myself as whole. 

In doing so, I have cut myself off from a lot of things: drinking, certain eating/lifestyle habits, and most importantly--people. There is a balance to it all, and even at 30 I'm still learning how to do it, folks. And there is nothing wrong with that: partly that is why my circle of support is so small, I'm still proudly single, and I'm at the best point in my career---I listened. And while some may think this is questionable: my gut, when it comes to my choices and life, is rarely wrong. What I choose to do some may not agree with but hey---it's my life. No disrespect, but like I've said before "it's okay to selfish when it comes to your own destiny." I thank God for that discernment.

As most know, I'm very private about my personal life and only post about major moves and accomplishments just to stay present, but this need for transparency is bigger than me or the "perception" of me. It's finally giving this small body a place to speak loudly. Better late than never--so here's to keeping myself first and the restart of my personal blog.

#finallyexhaled #kairos #breathing #existing #keepingmyselffirst