September 12, 2014- 110%
Day Three of this dreaded headache…ugh. But the show still goes on and with that being said I want to talk about allowing your mood to affect your progress. For years, I had a problem with allowing my energy to drawn to a wrong point rather than focusing on what needed to be done. For example, I am one of the most passionate people you will probably ever meet.
I take pride and honor in everything I do, every person and thing in my life. To me, anything I put my mind to I go after it at 100%. ALWAYS! So what happens when you find yourself trying to be 100% committed to a relationship? A failing relationship and all you can do is focus on how to rekindle and make things right…but slowly you are losing sight of your own prize. My goals. I am going to go ahead and open up a little bit. This past year I was auditioning for MFA programs. I have been out of undergrad for about 2 years and it was time to develop my craft further. So I sort after 4 strong MFA programs that not only would compliment me and my acting style but broaden my professionalism as a performer. And to be honest, I was at a “neutral” high. Not natural, neutral. I was at a job that was flexible and rewarding, in a relationship I thought was CLEARLY heading towards marriage, friendships were solid, blah.
I should have known…the red flags were so clear. When I started discussing my plans for the future…slowly everything became about him. Or us. Which is fine, but it was in a worrying type of way. Everything was a question: what if this or that. What about if you have rehearsal until 3am and I cooked dinner and you we don’t get to share it together…which sounds really sweet, right? I mean I wanted to be like “well, warm that shit up” (laughs) But anyways… it was perpetual worry and doubt. And I found myself reassuring him more than me prepping for these auditions. Mentally getting ready and in the character. It wasn't like switching on the charm, I wanted to come prepared. Prepared for these possibly life changing auditions and I was distracted. I wasn’t psyching myself out, I just wasn’t focus.
And I bombed them, one after the other. Some I knew right then and there, others…were a shock. Am I totally blaming them on the relationship? Hell no. But what I am saying is I am taking ownership for the fact that I didn’t put me first. And I let myself become imbalanced and I was more concerned about making a life FOR us rather than…I don’t know. It’s crazy how after the fact he was more devastated than I was about not getting in. Not because of my hard work or dedication, oh no…it was because it was no longer in my hands about our future!! Nuts! And I wondered when did it all come down to me? Me paving the way for us. I was completely unequally yoked.
Some days I just wish I had a do-over, you know? My point is: Be the driving force behind your passion, don’t let your passion drive you. If you feel like you are losing yourself with something or someone, then maybe that is PRECISELY where you are NOT supposed to be.