September 12, 2014- 110%
Day Three of this
dreaded headache…ugh.
But the show still goes on and with that being said I want to talk about
allowing your mood to affect your progress. For years, I had a problem with
allowing my energy to drawn to a wrong point rather than focusing on what
needed to be done. For example, I am one of the most passionate people you will
probably ever meet.
I
take pride and honor in everything I do, every person and thing in my life. To
me, anything I put my mind to I go after it at 100%. ALWAYS! So what happens
when you find yourself trying to be 100% committed to a relationship? A failing
relationship and all you can do is focus on how to rekindle and make things
right…but slowly you are losing sight of your own prize. My goals. I am going
to go ahead and open up a little bit. This past year I was auditioning for MFA
programs. I have been out of undergrad for about 2 years and it was time to
develop my craft further. So I sort after 4 strong MFA programs that not only
would compliment me and my acting style but broaden my professionalism as a
performer. And to be honest, I was at a “neutral” high. Not natural, neutral. I
was at a job that was flexible and rewarding, in a relationship I thought was
CLEARLY heading towards marriage, friendships were solid, blah.
I
should have known…the red flags were so clear. When I started discussing my
plans for the future…slowly everything became about him. Or us. Which is fine,
but it was in a worrying type of way. Everything was a question: what if this
or that. What about if you have rehearsal until 3am and I cooked dinner and you
we don’t get to share it together…which sounds really sweet, right? I mean I
wanted to be like “well, warm that shit up” (laughs)
But anyways… it was perpetual worry and doubt. And I found myself reassuring him
more than me prepping for these auditions. Mentally getting ready and in the character.
It wasn't like switching on the charm, I wanted to come prepared. Prepared for these possibly life changing auditions
and I was distracted. I wasn’t psyching myself out, I just wasn’t focus.
And
I bombed them, one after the other. Some
I knew right then and there, others…were a shock. Am I totally blaming them on
the relationship? Hell no. But what I am saying is I am taking ownership for
the fact that I didn’t put me first. And I let myself become imbalanced and I
was more concerned about making a life FOR us rather than…I don’t know. It’s crazy how after the fact he was more
devastated than I was about not getting in. Not because of my hard work or
dedication, oh no…it was because it was no longer in my hands about our future!!
Nuts! And I wondered when did it all come down to me? Me paving the way for us.
I was completely unequally yoked.
….
….
Some
days I just wish I had a do-over, you know? My point is: Be the driving force behind your passion, don’t let your passion drive you. If you feel like you are
losing yourself with something or someone, then maybe that is PRECISELY where you
are NOT supposed to be.
Brit
Website: http://main.brittney-s-harris.com
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