September 3, 2014- Sacrificing.
Ask yourself this: How many things have you sacrificed for the sake of others? Or How many things have you sacrificed for your past? Truly think about it.
This is a hard entry for me to write because I am facing a demon that has been plaguing me for years. My past. Things that I thought was let go of and then…something triggers them back to the surface. As an Actor, some may argue that it is not a healthy approach to performing when one substitutes their own life experiences for character development. I am on the fence about that approach. Personally, I have used the technique introduced by Ivana Chubbuck of ‘substitution’. Substitution is endowing the other actor in the scene with a person from your real life. Hmmm….not too safe if you are playing a victim of sexual or domestic abuse right? Or someone faced with the bouts of parental abandonment and extreme heartache? Hmm?
So nevertheless, this goes to the point of this entry about taking care of yourself. To others, they may not understand why you made the choices that you did or the sacrifices you made but as long as YOU know…that is what matters. I always say that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. But sometimes they don’t know how to let people help them. Funny, for me to be such an outgoing, high-spirited individual, I am actually very private. I keep my friends and my family very close to me and I have a very small circle of people that I trust.
When I am dealing with my past, I mean things that I see haunting my adult life I try my best to eradicate any and everything dealing with it from my life. Why? Because it is easier to handle. But with that comes a sacrifice. A sacrifice from peace and love…because I have allowed myself to be so consumed with the pain that…the good can’t get in. And sure I am a helluva an actor so I can mask it all day but the truth remains…I take it on alone.
For those who live that way… we have to stop. I am able to hide and submerge myself within my craft but for those who corrode away because they choose to self-implode…stop sacrificing the good because you are use to the bad. Either way is not good I know and I am learning to “let it go”. It is in the past…because you have endured, took it on straight on, you are a SURVIVOR.
I AM A SURVIVOR.
Phew…this was some shit off my back! (smiles) Sorry for the language but that is the truth. My craft and my heart have led me to be harder on myself than anyone I ever crossed paths with. But I am tired of sacrificing my happiest for things I can’t control from the past. Fuck not getting into grad schools on the first try, screw not landing 1, 2, or 20 auditions in a row, forget not “choosing a traditional career path” Fuck it! Screw it! Because when you know you have the ability and the passion inside THERE IS NOTHING that can stop you. Nothing in this universe or beyond can place a stop to what is aligned in your future and destiny. You have a hand in everything. And I am learning to get mine back.